I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
