he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
