Umm I'm too high to move.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
