I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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