So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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