I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
