this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
