So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
