i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
