you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
