And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
