i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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