I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
