Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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