2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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