he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
