sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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