You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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