I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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