my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
