He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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