I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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