He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
