Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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