I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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