3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
