I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
