Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
