I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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