I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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