Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
