I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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