I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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