My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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