How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
