for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
