I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
