He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
