I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
