i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
