We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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