woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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