That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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