I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
