White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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