how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
