She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
