I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
