I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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