Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
