just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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