i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
