I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
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Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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