I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Everyone says I win the strip club
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
