Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
