Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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