Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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