$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
