Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
