someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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