Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
