I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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