This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
