RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
