The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
