There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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