You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
