Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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